I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
