2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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