She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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