before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
