Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
