mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
