Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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