Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
