She's JV to your varsity
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
