As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
