im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize