I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
