She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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