if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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