I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We left an ass print on the piano.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
