i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
