come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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