Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
