32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
