Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
