My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
