my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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