the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
