now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
