By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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