it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
