She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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