In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My ass is underappreciated
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
