If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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