Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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