Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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