Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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