Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
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