i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
