I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
