hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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