I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
