TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
