theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize