hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
