i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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