Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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