If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We left an ass print on the piano.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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