We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
