so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
