woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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