I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
NoShamevember. You game?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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