I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
