I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
