I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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