apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
