You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
