You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
