I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
