I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I am one with the molecules
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
