I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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