I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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