You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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