I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
