I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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